It's been awhile. I know nobody ever finds this so no one reads if it but if you were... I'm sorry. Lots has been going on, and not all about my dad. I got married, my parents moved, my cat died, etc. Sounds depressing, right? Let's delve right in.
I'll warn you right now this onslaught of depression is usually reserved for holding inside, but since I've been crying off and on for the past two hours I figured it was time to let go of some of this creatively. Will it help? It has in the past. I hope I make sense. I apologize for any typos, it's hard to see when you're crying and you have contacts so all the salt gets stuck on the lens and... yeah.
Part of my depression comes from the fact that the last four or five months I've been living with worsening anxiety. I don't know why it came out as soon as I got married, but once you're stuck with someone like that it's different than a new roommate, a spouse actually cares about you and can read when you're sad and wants to know why, as opposed to a roommate who just says "whoa, don't talk to her for awhile." So now that I have this nosy person in my life, I can't be as hidden as I used to be, which is extremely hard for me because at my core, I want to suffer alone. I don't want to impose my anxiety or depression on anyone else, it just doesn't seem right. So here I am, bottling it up inside until something big happens and then I can't handle it.
So backstory, my husband is part of a pep band that plays for football games, and he just left about half an hour ago to go to the bowl game in Florida, and won't be back until late Tuesday night. That would probably be hard on anyone (I'm assuming?) but it's especially hard on me. It hurts because I know he's so excited and I feel like Scrooge on Christmas Eve telling Bob Cratchit to suck it up and work, so I just stay quiet in the corner and watch as he packs happily and talks about all of his plans. It hurts more than usual, I think, because once upon a time we were supposed to go on this trip together, as sort of a honeymoon that wasn't actually in Utah. But once we learned I had to pay for my flight ($700+) and half the hotel room and for everything the band got to do for free, it was obvious to this newlywed that it was never going to happen. We barely have enough money in my account to make rent each month, let alone spend next month's rent on a flight alone. We barely have enough to make a Christmas, and it hurts. I'm no stranger to being poor, been poor my whole life. But it's hard when you see the cold hard number in your bank account, telling you "nice try, never going to happen, you're worthless." It's just so hard to see other people get to do things without a care in the world, and people like me struggle to get food on the table each week (although that could have more to do with my lack of cooking ability than my lack of funds...) I mean, I've never been farther east than Billings, Montana. And yes, that is in the West of the United States. My family never had the means to travel for fun when I was younger, and now that I'm married my money doesn't go as far as it used to. I work a sucky part-time job at a place that I hate doing things a well-trained monkey could do. I wake up each day fully intending to control my anxiety, instead of letting it control me. But sometimes, it wins. And tonight it's winning big time. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to go home. I want him to go and have fun, but I also want him to hate it and return. I want to be the big girl and get up and do something, but I also want to sit here and cry until he comes back. I want to sit down and pop some popcorn and turn on a Hallmark movie, but I also just want to curl up in a ball on the floor. I want to wrap presents to put under our tiny tree, but I also don't want to stress about making them perfect, and I will. I want to finish crocheting my snowflakes, but I don't care. I want to finish my cross-stitch, but I don't care. And I know when Christmas comes and I haven't done everything for everyone I wanted to I'll feel even worse. It's a terrible, vicious cycle. And I want to break it, I do. I just don't feel up to it right now. I can't even force myself.
It's not that I don't have friends around to talk to, I do. I just don't feel like running to them and pretending like everything is okay.
I'd just rather... sit here and cry right now.
Maybe if I can tell you some things that aren't depressing, maybe I'll feel better. Well, my parents moved houses, into one that's much more handicap accessible. He has a motorized wheelchair now, and uses it and the walker exclusively. He works from home now, which has improved his energy. He can't drive anymore, so we got him a handicap van that he can learn to drive around with his hands. He zooms around the house doing laundry, his new appointed job. He helps me make dinner on Mondays after I teach my two little budding pianists. He hurts, though. I can see it. He has a hard time not being around people, because believe it or not, he's a social guy. He likes being around people and hearing their stories, which is hard to do in a home office. And it's not something that can be easily remedied... He has a new friend in the ward, Norm, whom he likes to hang out with sometimes. They went Christmas shopping last Monday, that was fun for him to get out in the world. He likes zooming up and down the neighborhood on good days just for some fresh air. It was actually pretty funny, a few weeks ago we went and got a bolt put on his chair so he can drive the handi-van or something (still unclear on that one) but they put it too low so it would get caught on things and he'd get stuck. So we're putting up Christmas lights and he's zooming around telling us if it looks good or not and all of a sudden he's like "Uhh, guys?" and we look back and he's gotten stuck on the driveway incline, with his wheels spinning like crazy but not being able to move. It was like watching a turtle on its back. It was awful, but also funny. Never fear, the bolt has been fixed and he can now drive around normally.
Ah, that actually made me smile, for the first time in a few hours. It felt...foreign.
I'll start writing on here more often now. I have another fluffy blog I write on just to be funny but this one actually matters to me.
Guess I'll keep on keeping on...
-K
