Graduation

N graduated on Thursday! She looked great, and it went well. It was hard though, because at the place where she graduated, the place for handicapped people is up at the top, and you can only have one person sit with them, and the rest of the family had to go sit by themselves, which was kind of sad. I wish he could've sat with us, you know? It would have been nice. But it also would have been really difficult to get him down the stairs, and then back up again. It was for the best, I suppose, but it was also hard.

Walking out after graduation

Grandpa pushing Dad

Things have gotten worse lately. Hardly any more cane, a lot more walker and wheelchair. He was able to help fix my car yesterday, so that was nice. It seems like as each week passes, it gets a little worse. I don't know what to do. I mean, there's nothing I can do, but still...I just feel like there's something more we could do, something new to try. You know?

It's okay though. His eye therapy is going better (his retina detached about a year ago and he had to undergo...five surgeries to get it fixed?) Just another reason his life is harder than it's supposed to be. I just...it's not fair. But at least his eye is getting better. It will never be back up to what it was before it detached, but it's getting better. Thank goodness. Sometimes he asks me to help him with his eye therapy, that's always fun. Who knows, maybe I've found my new career path!

-K

Falling and Walking

Sorry for the onslaught of depression you guys have been getting lately, it's been a really hard semester for me (as you very well know by now...) But today's just more of an informative post, instead of a super depressing one.

Dad went to the doctor's yesterday. He didn't have any test results or anything to go over, it was just so they could decide what tests to have him go get done next. They want to put him on some new medication (something oral) to up his potassium count. I guess that helps with the demyleination problem, my mom couldn't remember what the medication is called, so I'll try and get more details about that later. I am a bio major after all, I should be able to understand this stuff. In theory, right?

He also fell down on Sunday, which I hadn't seen for awhile. He tripped on the edge of the rug, and he started flailing all around with his cane trying to get some balance back, and he got a little bit, but not enough to save himself from falling. And then he just lay there and my mom was like "HAL! Are you okay???" And all of my sisters ran into the room because when someone like my dad falls, you hear it. But he was fine, he just lays there for a second to get his bearings back and my mom and N helped lift him up and get him going again. Nobody/nothing was hurt, thank goodness. I'm always worried he's going to fall one day and no one will be there to help him, and he'll just have to lay there until someone gets home. Usually when he's home someone else is too though, so he should be fine.

We've also taken to long Sunday walks lately, my mom pushing him in the wheelchair and the rest of us just running around being crazy. We have taken walks on Sunday for as long as I can remember, so I'm glad he can still participate in one of my favorite Sunday traditions. Makes me feel like everything's going to be okay.

-K

Not as Happy

Finals week has given me some time to think. I'm just studying all the time and don't have any classes, so my brain likes to not focus on plants and chemistry and viruses, and instead focus on other things. I've been...comparing a lot of things in my mind lately, and figuring out what I've done wrong and how to fix it.

Last finals week, in December, I was on top of the world. I was excited for my piano recital for all my little Julliard wannabes, I was really enjoying hanging out with my roommates, I had a choir performance I was really looking forward to, and my social like was picking up a bit, and I was starting to date a really great guy. So what if it was finals week, and I had the worst head cold ever? I had a lot of other things going for me.

This semester, I've just felt...blah. I don't care about my "social life" (or more accurately, lack thereof).  I got the lowest grade I've ever gotten on a college exam this week, and it really hurt. And yeah, I had another great choir performance, but even that couldn't really lift my spirits. Things with the guy unexpectedly didn't work out, and that's been really hard. My dad is only getting worse, despite the new medications he's on. My favorite roommate is moving away in less than a week. A few of my piano kids quit "just for the summer", but we all know what that means (read: quit forever). Things just...aren't working out. I still have NO idea what I want to do with my life. And when I say NO idea, I mean NO IDEA. I'm about to graduate with a biology degree, and yet I won't have anything. Just a bunch of student loan debt and a major I don't want.

Pathetic, right? I sound like I should be on the Dr. Phil show or something, complaining about all of my problems.

Thanks for letting me vent, readers. I usually try to keep this more upbeat, but this has been on my mind lately and I can't shake it. Maybe now that I've written it all down I'll be able to focus and get some work done. Here's hoping.

-K

Hard Day

I don't know why today is so much harder than yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that. For some reason, I just feel really...sad today. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe typing everything out will help.

Things just haven't really been going my way lately. I haven't been doing as well at school as I want to, I've been having some roommate problems, my love life's DOA, and I just seem to be getting easily annoyed about everything and anything. I'm the type of person that when something bothers or hurts me, I hide it away deep inside and never talk about it. Is it unhealthy? Probably. But I'm not a girl that goes around whining like the world owes me a favor. Don't we all hate those people? I know I do.

I guess the crux of the matter is that life isn't fair, as much as we want it to be. We can't make everything work out for everyone. It's part of what we agreed to when we came here; we knew that not everything would work out and that to feel great happiness, we must also feel great pain. There is no way around it, it's just how it is, and whining about it isn't going to change anything. I think that's why I'm such a reserved, withheld person emotionally. I don't like to think that I'm whining about my problems. I also know that a lot of the time, talking about it to someone helps, but I just don't know who to talk to. I don't really tell people about my dad's MS because...I don't want their pity. I don't want their pathos. And I hate to admit it, but deep down inside of me there's always the hope that maybe this is a nightmare, and I'll wake up and everything will be okay. I know it's immature, but it's just one of my coping mechanisms.  And I also know that telling people about my problems isn't any kind of weakness on my part, it's letting other people help carry the burden. But part of me likes being the martyr, the one that suffers silently. I'd like to think I'm the tough girl, the one that can take anything and keep going. But I'm finding that being the tough girl is a lot harder than I anticipated.

I'm sorry that this blog isn't always uplifting, but it wouldn't be my story if it was all rainbows and butterflies. This is my journey, and it isn't always easy. Typing this really did help, though. I feel a little better inside. Even if I don't feel like talking to people, I can still type things out and it helps me feel better. If you've stayed with me this far, thanks for reading.

-K

Home Teachers

Hey again, everybody. I'm feeling a little better this week, not as down about everything. I've been trying hard to try to help other people with their problems instead of focusing on my own, as per the advice of my home teachers when they came to visit recently. They came the Sunday night of a really really hard weekend, and I was just gritting my teeth during the "How are you?" "Oh, everything's fine, etc etc etc..." portion of the evening, you know the part where you're like "Do you actually care about how I'm doing or are you just doing your duty so you can report to the elder's quorum president and feel good about yourself?" Dark viewpoint, I know. But I've had both kinds of home teachers, and it was the first time they'd come (they didn't come in January), so I wasn't sure how good they were going to be. It takes awhile to earn my trust and have me tell you things about me that are personal (and yet, I seem to have no problem blogging about it where the world can see...Interesting, isn't it?)

Sorry, got off on a tangent there. Anyways, back to home teachers. So I was like "okay, it's the last Sunday of the month, they need to do their priesthood duty, blah blah blah", so when they asked if they could come over, I wasn't really feeling it but they need to do their stuff, so I said okay. And thank goodness I did, because they ended up giving a really good lesson, one that I needed to hear. They didn't know anything about my current situation, or why I haven't been having the greatest day/week, but they were in tune enough with the Spirit to be able to tell me something I needed to hear. One of them looked at me straight in the eye and said, "I don't know why, I probably need to hear this too, but I feel impressed to tell you that when you feel sad, or when you feel like your life is really hard, I encourage you to reach out to others and to serve them." Which of course, everyone's heard before, but it actually hit me this time. So as of late, I've been trying to focus more on others instead of having pity parties about myself. Not just because of my dad, I've been having personal struggles in my personal life lately as well, so I've been looking for extra ways to help people or somehow serve them, especially when I start feeling really down about myself, or sad about how things have worked out. And if you're reading this and you feel like you just can't stand your own hardships anymore, I encourage you to reach out to others and see who you can lift up. It seems to be working out okay for me so far.

Later,

-K

[PS, this week is National Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Week. And March is MS Awareness Month. What does this mean? I'm not quite sure. What do people do for this kind of thing?]

Going Out to Dinner

Last weekend, me and my family went out for dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday. It's sometimes hard going out in public with my dad because he has a hard time getting around in crowds, especially in places like restaurants where it's kind of packed and hard to get a walker or a wheelchair in there, which is what's easiest for him to get around in. I got there late so I wasn't able to help everyone get in and situated, but my mom does a great job of being my dad's support so he won't fall over. Usually it's my job to make sure all the kids are situated while Mom's making sure Dad's getting where he needs to go, but N and R help with P a lot so it's usually fine. 

Going out to dinner is great. Being a poor college kid, I don't go out very often, and when I do it's more often than not on the dollar menu. Not the best for my stomach. But when I get to go out with family, I more often than not order a bacon cheeseburger. It's probably one of my favorite foods. Not very ladylike, I admit, but dang. Definitely in my top 5 foods to get from a restaurant. .

So after we're done eating and we've paid the bill, we're gearing up to go. My dad brought his cane into the restaurant because it's the easiest, but it's also the least helpful when it comes to walking assistance. And since we're walking around in a tightly-packed restaurant, if he even makes one misstep it could be hurtful to him and whoever he falls on (I've been there, done that, not fun). My mom is great at letting him hold onto her and lean on her, and they've got a little system all worked out. Me and my sisters were up and out of the door, when I looked back to see how everyone was doing, and I saw them come out together. They were moving really slowly, (it had been a bad day for my dad, some days are just worse than others), and my dad looked like he was concentrating so hard to just take every little step. 

It was so hard for me to watch. I still haven't totally come to terms with the fact that he has MS, and so when I'm so bluntly reminded that things aren't how they used to be, it hurts a little. And by a little, I mean a lot sometimes, like then. It was so hard to just...stand there and watch him shuffle along, leaning on my mom heavily for every step. I wish that I could take away this unfairness, this trial that he's burdened with. It's really hard to stand there and just watch, and know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do. And I feel even worse when I think about it, because I'm the one who has the hardest time with it. My dad is okay with it, he's accepted it, and he just moves along as best as he can. He's not letting it get him down or stop him from doing anything he wants to do, which is so admirable. My mom is the same, always focusing on what my dad can do instead of what he can't, which is so brave. I know they have bad days, but I never see them. I feel like I'm much more obvious about my bad days than they are. 

Sorry for the downer post today, guys. I'm trying to have a positive attitude about everything, but some days it's harder than others, and I've had a really rough couple weeks. 

I guess on the positive side, it's a good thing my mom is so tough, huh? Or else who else would help Dad get around? A weak positive thought, but at least I could think of one. 

Until next time,

-K

My Family

Today's a big back story day! I figure if I start referencing members of my family and you have no idea who they are, it won't be as fun. So now you get to hear all about my crazy family.

Here we all are! 

Aren't we good-looking? :)

So this is all of us when we dress up and look nice. There's only girls in my family besides my dad, and we love to remind him about it whenever we get the chance. He loves it though, being the manly man. Plus it gives us girls opportunities to learn important skills like mowing the lawn, changing the oil in our cars, general home maintenance, etc since we don't have brothers to go do it for us. 

Here are my parents, being all lovey.

Cue sisters in the background "ewwwwww..."

They met at college and got married after being good friends for a few years. A favorite story told around our house is of when Dad tried to put the moves on Mom for the first time. She turned him down flat! Thank goodness Dad learned how to be a gentleman with Mom and they get along great now (obviously). They're great parents and each other's best friends.

This is me! 

Me shooting a 30.06

This picture is from the last time me, R, and my dad went shooting. I had never shot a gun as big as the 30.06 before, and boy did it make my ears ring. But it was fun because we were shooting by a bunch of Boy Scouts and they all were pretty impressed some guy with his daughters was blowing up pumpkins with his 30.06. It's probably one of my fondest memories. I'm sure you'll hear all about me more as the blog goes on, so we'll move onto N.

N at Yellowstone

N is the next oldest sister. She's got quite a personality. She definitely lets you know if she doesn't like something. She's the one who keeps me grounded and tells me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. We used to really fight a lot with each other when we were kids, but now that we're both older we're each other's best friends. 

R

R is one of those people that makes a funny face every time she sees a camera pointed at her. It's pretty awesome. She's one of the most fun-loving people I know, and she never ceases to make me smile, even when I'm in the baddest of bad moods. She's got a great sense of humor, and looks just like me. Except she's taller...

Me and P after a dance recital

P is the cutest little thing. I call her "Nutty", and she calls me "Squeaky", and together we get along great. She has red curly hair and the cutest little personality. She's very shy, even around our grandparents she'll hardly speak. But once she starts talking to you, she won't stop. 

This is what we look like more usually, when people aren't around to see us...

Carving pumpkins brings out the best in us...

And there you go! Consider yourselves family experts. We're definitely not a perfect family, but we love each other, and that's what's important, right? 

Until next time, 

-K

Why?

You may have stumbled upon this blog by accident. Maybe you typed in "My Dad has MS" into Google like I did one day after his diagnosis. Maybe you were showed this by a friend or family member. However you got here, I hope that reading this will give you insight into how my dad's MS diagnosis has changed my family's life, but especially mine.

I've never been one to cry about my problems. I keep things to myself, and that's fine. I never want to appear weak or somehow compromised. I want to seem strong, independent, smart, and ready to handle whatever life throws at me. I work hard to keep this wall, this front up, and usually I do a pretty good job of it. But this has not been the case as of late. 

Let me start at the beginning.

This is my dad.

Pretty recently, we got the official diagnosis that he has an MS-like disease. We say this because he doesn't have typical multiple sclerosis, but it's close enough that everyone kind of calls it MS anyway. He'd been having problems with mobility for awhile now, so it wasn't a big shock, but still, hearing it officially was still very hard for me, and it continues to be hard for me. I struggle every day to not let this get me down, but instead to see the good things in life as well as figure out ways to deal with the bad.  

So in short, this blog is a way for me to talk about how I feel about things, my frustrations, my good and bad days, his good and bad days, and how my family deals with everything. And if you're lucky, you might get to have some guest posts from my sisters, who like getting into everything I do. :) 

So buckle up, and get ready for the ride. It won't be an easy one, but it'll be worth it.

-K