Hard Day

I don't know why today is so much harder than yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that. For some reason, I just feel really...sad today. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe typing everything out will help.

Things just haven't really been going my way lately. I haven't been doing as well at school as I want to, I've been having some roommate problems, my love life's DOA, and I just seem to be getting easily annoyed about everything and anything. I'm the type of person that when something bothers or hurts me, I hide it away deep inside and never talk about it. Is it unhealthy? Probably. But I'm not a girl that goes around whining like the world owes me a favor. Don't we all hate those people? I know I do.

I guess the crux of the matter is that life isn't fair, as much as we want it to be. We can't make everything work out for everyone. It's part of what we agreed to when we came here; we knew that not everything would work out and that to feel great happiness, we must also feel great pain. There is no way around it, it's just how it is, and whining about it isn't going to change anything. I think that's why I'm such a reserved, withheld person emotionally. I don't like to think that I'm whining about my problems. I also know that a lot of the time, talking about it to someone helps, but I just don't know who to talk to. I don't really tell people about my dad's MS because...I don't want their pity. I don't want their pathos. And I hate to admit it, but deep down inside of me there's always the hope that maybe this is a nightmare, and I'll wake up and everything will be okay. I know it's immature, but it's just one of my coping mechanisms.  And I also know that telling people about my problems isn't any kind of weakness on my part, it's letting other people help carry the burden. But part of me likes being the martyr, the one that suffers silently. I'd like to think I'm the tough girl, the one that can take anything and keep going. But I'm finding that being the tough girl is a lot harder than I anticipated.

I'm sorry that this blog isn't always uplifting, but it wouldn't be my story if it was all rainbows and butterflies. This is my journey, and it isn't always easy. Typing this really did help, though. I feel a little better inside. Even if I don't feel like talking to people, I can still type things out and it helps me feel better. If you've stayed with me this far, thanks for reading.

-K